That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
