Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
cat food counts as protein by the way
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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