I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
