My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize