I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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