he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
