i just sent this text using only my big toe
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I touched a dick in church today
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
