last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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