Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
