just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
