Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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