if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
