I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
