I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
