First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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