Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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