Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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