On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
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Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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