cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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