I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
