Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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