I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
