Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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