when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
