So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
