got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
