She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
