i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
