Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
