i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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