I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
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I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
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I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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