he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
