I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
