he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
