I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
