The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
