The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
