Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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