I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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