I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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