I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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