I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
