I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
