seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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