you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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