is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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