I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
