I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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