How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
