shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
