if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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