Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
