My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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