I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
