Ambien. No doubt about it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
